doreimi | IC Inbox | prismatica

i dont want to mess this up

Can you tell me about him? The things you like about him. Can we start with that?

oh you absolutely already know him

uh

dracula-san?

oh
nah
i like vlad. but i don't think we'd work out
you know him being dracula aside

Who, then? I'm trying to think of who we both know...and most of them are way too young for you...

mohammed avdol

OH! The fortune teller! He's really nice...and now that I think about it, pretty handsome, too!

...Actually, I think he's great for you...I mean, wow, he's REALLY a good match!

he's really nice. and funny
and

you know the only person i felt calm around was bruno
but it changed after i got to know you
and i feel pretty ok around mohammed too
but fuck
i know im overthinking it
but i dont want to fuck it up
and usually when i have a problem id drink about it
but i havent because im trying to not do that
so now im just
you know
sitting here agonizing texting you
cool huh

I'm really proud of you for not just going looking for a drink. Every time you reach out instead of doing that, I'm so, so proud of you.

I think if he makes you happy, that's great. If being near him makes you feel good, then I think you should keep spending time with him. And...he seems like the kind of person who's easy to tell things to. Even if you didn't tell him all of it, if you just told him you were nervous because you don't want to fuck things up, I'm sure he'd understand and try to set you at ease. And that's good, right?

ive been drinking so much fucking tea and pissing like a horse

yeah
that sounds like him
i know he's reliable. and shit like that.
and i think he might know i'm worried about messing things up even if i havent been totally honest with him.

GROSS

Tell me the part that scares you. Just to me. Just say it out loud just once. That "worst thing that could happen" that you keep imagining. What is it?

the worst thing that could happen
is that i drive him off with how shitty i am
or make him look at me differently. maybe with pity. not the way he does right now.
but i also could never blame him if he did that

Because you like him, and you want him to like you. And moreover, you don't want him to NOT like you.

What part do you think is going to drive him away?

fuck you mean besides the whole part about me sabotaging not just my fucking career but getting my partner AND boyfriend killed?
because that's a pretty big deal

Don't be mean. I'm just trying to help.

...and anyway, it didn't drive me away.

sorry
that's not your fault

i know.
and half the time i don't know what you see in me either

Look, I know that's...it's the worst thing that ever happened to you. I know. And you know I know better than anyone that the worst thing that ever happened to you doesn't just go away. So I get it, you know? And I get being afraid to tell people about it. I do. I get it.

But there's a you that's separate from the worst thing that ever happened to you. There's more to you than just that. It never goes away, but it's not the only thing, either.

how the hell am i supposed to separate that
it isn't just a bad thing happened to me
i did it to myself because i was weak and worthless

No...you didn't.

Listen. You had a dream, and that's why you decided to become a police officer. You didn't do it because wearing the uniform would give you the power to boss other people around, or because you wanted to carry a gun, or...I don't know. You wanted to help people. You wanted to do what you believed in.

I'm not saying you didn't make mistakes. I'm not saying they weren't terrible mistakes. But that guy who joined the force is still a part of you. I know he is, because that type of guy is the person who feels guilty about the choices he made. A worthless, horrible guy wouldn't care. You still care, just as much as you did back then. You made mistakes. And maybe you'll never be able to forgive yourself for them entirely, but they were mistakes.

Worthless guys don't try to be better. They don't try to not make the same mistakes again. The reason I see things that you don't is because when we both look, the mistakes are too much for you to see past. That's the only reason why.

when i look at myself
i can only think of the things i didn't do. the mistakes i made. and the mistakes i'll probably keep on making because of what i am.

i don't know hot to see beyond that. i really dont. i haven't been able to look into the future think i have one for awhile now and not because i died. but because of what i did.

That's why Bruno was so important to you. Because you didn't have to know what the future looked like so long as you were next to him. You just had to stay by his side and follow him, and he'd know for the both of you. I understand.

But, listen.

You drank tea today instead of wine. And you called me.

That's two mistakes you could've made, that you didn't. Don't forget that.

yeah
it's why i need someone stronger than me to tell me what to do
i dont trust myself to work alone.

yeah. okay.

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