doreimi | IC Inbox | prismatica

for me it's fucked up.
after florentino, all i wanted to do was die. thought i would, until bucciarati found me.
then it seemed like
after i died i realized i didn't want to
i wanted to go back and help everyone
but i couldn't

and now that this is the happiest i've been in awhile i'm scared of losing it

i know you've had to deal with this even longer than me
i wouldnt have blamed you for being pissed
because i fucked up again and i was being selfish

You have every right to be selfish when it comes to your life, though. It's not about who had it worse. I just...

I'm sure that I felt everything you're feeling, too. It's just been so long that I've forgotten it all, and how bad it was. So I'm sorry, too. Even if I hid it, I felt bitter and angry and you don't deserve that from me just from feeling things that are natural to feel.

Everyone is scared of losing good things that make them happy, you know. That's not wrong or unusual either. What makes you afraid is that you think it's inevitable. You've been hurt so much that you just expect it by now.

do i?
one of the worst things i ever did was out of selfishness and weakness
that's the other thing i guess
im so scared to lose it, and i don't always know that i deserve it
i should know shouldnt i? you and everyone else always tell me, but sometimes it feels the opposite.

he told me he'd save me
that we'd see each other again
i want to believe him but i'm still a fucking coward and i can't do anything to undo it

There's a big difference between someone else telling you something and you being able to believe it. And it doesn't have anything to do with who you are or how good or bad you are. I still can't figure out how to be myself and you guys have been telling me that for months. It's not simple to believe in something just because someone else says you should.

He told me one time that he gave you one of his tarot cards. The Star. Right? Did he ever tell you what it means?

well at least you don't fuck yourself up over it like me

no
he told me to find my own meaning
i keep it next to the glass figure you made me actually

Drinking isn't my way of coping. Maybe that's all you need, is a different one.

Do you want to know what it means? It...I think he meant it for times like this.

ive only been good at something self-destructive
i tried to just drink tea when the urge kicked. it worked for awhile, then i fell off.

yeah.
something about getting hope?

Because tea doesn't put you to sleep, right?

The Star comes after The Tower. The Tower is like...it's a big upheaval, a disaster. Your world turning upside down, a calamity, everything going wrong. It's not just about hope. It's about hope even while falling from the top of that tower. Hope even when everything is falling apart.

I think the kind of hope he wants you to have is...a crazy hope. A wild hope. An against-all-odds hope. The kind that doesn't make sense and goes against everything that points to the contrary. The world is crashing down, but in spite of it, you keep hoping.

yeah
something like that

huh
you like fortune telling stuff right? i guess it makes sense you'd know this.
the way i looked at it for awhile was that he was trying to guide me in his way.
it's frustrating. i felt like i was doing pretty well for awhile. but after narancia i just couldnt deal with it for a bit even though i need to.

what's that even like
hoping against all odds
i guess it was a little like when we were trying to deal with the boss
i knew we could die
we all did
but we were doing it anyway
despite everything being stacked against us
i thought that if nothing else, i could give bucciarati and the others what they needed where it'd count the most but i dont know if that's the same thing

I like fortunes and stuff, yeah. I liked it more when I was alive. Back then it was just something fun and cute to think about. Nowadays it's less cute, I guess. But it's still okay.

Why were you doing it anyway? You were doing it for Bruno, right? Why were you all willing to go so far for Bruno?

i used to make fun of that kind of shit
funny now i guess

bucciarati
bruno had this way of inspiring us. the days in which he had to get his hands dirty, i know how much it used to kill him. but the days in which he could follow his heart was like a source of inspiration to me. i guess it'd be easy to say it was because i loved him, but i think it was really because i found a lot of strength in him.
im not strong on my own. you know that. i see a lot of similar strength in you and mohammed too. and its not because i doubt either of you, but after everything
ive never wanted to be alive so much as i do now.

Maybe...try to pretend to be Bruno, just for a minute or two. When you know someone really well, you can usually do an impression of them, right?

Even if it feels silly, just do it when no one else is around. But try to pretend to be him, as hard as you can. Because I think the thing that makes us all similar, the three of us who you think of as strong, is that we're all a little crazy in the way that we hope.

I should've given up after one year, two years, five years, ten years of waiting. Mr. Avdol should know better than to think he can change history. And maybe Bruno should've known better than to think that anyone could ever go after your boss. So try to be him, just for a few minutes, and see if that helps you figure out what it feels like to hope for something like that.

im really only good at pretending to be him if someone else needs me though
i kinda try to think of what he'd do if someone needs help like mista or trish

ha see
you're so strong sorellina.
all of you

but
i'll try. even when i knew it was hopeless, i knew i'd never turn my back on him.
and i wouldn't turn my back on you or mohammed either.

I mean really pretend to be him. Stand like him, do an impression of his voice, all that. I know it sounds ridiculous, but just try it that way. Humor me?

Anyway, listen. It's okay to be scared. And it's okay to make mistakes. Please don't be too hard on yourself about what happened. Right now, what matters is that you don't let it keep you down.

...Maybe that's your brand of crazy hope. "Fall down seven times, get up eight".

ok
but im not licking anyone

i'll try not to.
im really good at thinking about my mistakes though

gee only seven?

Why would you LICK somebody? Wait, is that something Bruno actually does???

It's an expression, silly! Nanakorobi yaoki — "fall seven times and stand up eight".

oh my god i did not share how weird he could be huh
whenever he was interrogating someone he'd freak them out and say that he could tell if they were lying by licking their sweat
pretty sure it was fake

im just saying that i fuck up a lot is all

That's so grooooooooooooss! Ugh, the kid I used to babysit for was just like that, too. I remember one day I spent the whole afternoon making him spit out BUGS because he kept trying to EAT THEM. Uuuuuuuuuugh.

Well, as long as you try again one time more than the number of times you fuck up...?

he used to say weird shit too! for all of how elegant he looked bucciarati was kind of a freak. i didn't mind though.

that's fair.

hey.
thanks for not giving up on me. that means a lot. i'll try to do better.

I mean...I guess that's...good? It'd be hard if he were elegant on the outside AND on the inside. I don't have a lot of memories of him but I do remember him seeming awfully perfect, honestly.

...I love you, you know. No matter what.

he tried to be, i think
he felt like he had to
but he was far from it
despite everything he was as flawed as everyone else

i love you too sorellina

I hope he was able to be more relaxed around you. I bet he felt at peace when you were close by, too.

Don't forget what I said, either. The family I want is you. I choose you.

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