doreimi | IC Inbox | prismatica

Hey. Can we talk?

Sure, of course. Is everything okay?

I think so. They should be. You can come over.

That's pretty cryptic...but okay, I'll be over in a few minutes. Let me just get my shoes on and my stuff together.

[And true to her word, she'll knock on his door after about a half-hour from her last text, in her coat and her pink ankle boots and a quizzical expression on her face.]

[ He didn't mean to make it sound so weird, and cryptic and serious. It is serious, but he doesn't want to scare her. And it's not scary. And he doesn't even know that it's bad the longer he's thought about it. And he's thought about it for about a week. He is actually sure this might be a relief to finally talk about, which is what put the resolve into him to do it.

Conversations like this are totally new territory. Rohan doesn't get close enough to people to have to have conversations regarding any time of relationship. So, he puts every effort into showing no sign of distress when he answers the door. He's dressed cleanly and comfortably. ]

Hey - thanks for coming over.

Sure, of course.

[Well, he looks fine, at least. He doesn't seem like he's in trouble, or chroma-deprived, or anything that might warrant any sort of worry. Still, it's telling that he wanted to talk in person instead of just texting her, and that's a little unnerving still.

But it's probably fine. Why wouldn't it be fine? It's Rohan, they've always gotten along. Why should this be any different.]

What did you want to talk about?

[ Rohan shifts, closing the door behind her. There's a moment where he thinks he's going to lose his nerve and chicken out - and it's when he's facing her. He reminds himself that this is actually an important step. That they have to do this. He's forgotten everything he told himself he'd say.

Okay. First thing's first. ]

Reimi. You know you're the most important person to me, right?

[ And, well, he had no intention of changing that, ever. This was just a roadblock. He'd have to look at it like that. ]

[That kind of a lead-in...for a serious talk, it's more than a little unnerving. First Rohan wanting to see her so abruptly, then giving an answer like "it should be" to a question like "is everything okay", and now this — it makes it feel like something big is coming, and the hard part is, she doesn't know what it could be.

That's nervewracking, the not knowing. If she doesn't know, then that means she's probably been assuming something that isn't true, and if she's been assuming something that's wrong, then &mash;

Then...all of a sudden, she's nervous, and chewing on her lip unthinkingly as a result.]

You've said that before, yeah. So I know, I know that's how you feel.

[Is he about to confess? Ohhh, boy, if this is leading up to a confession...well, that sure is going to be something, isn't it.]

[ He never anticipated that he would feel this way when having a conversation that was serious. Rohan, who was never wrong. Rohan, who didn't care how others felt about him, or really - how they felt in general had a few worries. He didn't want to hurt her. He didn't want to lose her.

He wasn't sure that either would actually happen. He had to be confident that this would be a good step forward.

Maybe it wouldn't hurt their friendship. Maybe he'd learn that she liked spending time with him regardless. Maybe that room he kept for her wouldn't end up empty and useless. ]

And - there's no one I'd rather spend time with.

[ A deep breath. ]

But --

[ Yeah. That so dangerous word, that word that implies a change. A condition. ]

Is it okay like this? Do you --

[ Why is he prepared for the worst? He's Rohan fucking Kishibe. He should expect that things will go great. He feels like such an unskilled loser right now, and he hates it. ]

I just need to know. Are you spending time with me because of home? It's okay if you are.

[ But if that's all -- He has to stop himself. Give her a chance to answer him. ]

[It's not the question she was expecting. She was ready for the "but", of course; she'd heard that coming a mile away. But the question that follows it strikes her as so odd that for a second she almost thinks she's misheard him.

Is she spending time with him because of home? Of course she is — why would that ever be in doubt? He's everything, he's been everything for as long as she can remember, her last real anchor to the world and the single sole lens to her own identity. He's what made it worth it, in the end. He's the reason she was even able to make some semblance of peace with her death at all. Without him, maybe she would've turned out vengeful or wretched or worse — but she didn't, because he was still there, with his name appearing on the covers of the manga volumes she'd look at through the windows of Owson's, still out there, still living, still alive because of the choice she made, the one that she's never once regretted.

Of course she wants to be close to him because of that. Why wouldn't she?]

I...I mean, of course I am.

[Little does she know what he's going to hear. It's not the same thing as what she's just said.]

What are you talking about, "it's okay if I am"? Why wouldn't it be okay...?

[ That's not surprising. After all, he'd be lying if it were different for himself. And that - he thinks, that's the problem. Sure, he'd expect that they'd be connected in ways different from anyone else. He shifts, his eyes close, and his expression softens. Unusually soft, a little wary. ]

I mean that part's not surprising.

[ Deep breath. It's complicated and he knows it. He knows that's not just why. ]

But, I don't want that to be the only reason that you do.

[ Don't feel obligated. He had considered, but this was more like he had run through in his head. ]

Because I don't want that to be the only reason I spend time with you, either.

I...I don't understand...

[But, she thinks, maybe she does. Maybe the more she thinks about it, the more the pieces start to fall into place. Rohan doesn't have the same memories of their past together that she does. Rohan knows that she died for him. Rohan feels guilty for the things that happened, feels responsible, and that's why he's so protective of her. Because of that. Because of back then.

He wanted to talk because he wanted to confront something. He's saying he wants things to be different, isn't he? So doesn't that mean — doesn't that mean that what he's saying, the only reason I spend time with you, is just a description of how it's been before now?

She'd asked as much of him, hadn't she? Let's make new memories together. She'd outright asked to replace the ones he was missing with new ones they could share — so what if that's the only reason he's wanted to see her so often?

Rohan always throws himself wholeheartedly into everything he does. All those times he'd wanted to see her, wanted her attention...was it all just for that?

She doesn't realize it, but her expression is beginning to crumple like a leaf, like a scrap of paper whose edge caught light in a flame.]

All this time, since I got here — everything, were you only doing it for my sake...?

[ Oh. Wait. No. He's not doing this right. He doesn't make mistakes usually, and today it seems like no matter what he's trying to say, he's not able to explain it. And, well, it is getting worse the more he tries to explain it. It's not that he's doing things just or her. It was never that. Rohan really cared about her.

He really treasured her company in ways that he couldn't explain. He didn't do things just for other's sakes. Not if he didn't want to. He wasn't the type of guy who could be made to do things if it were things he didn't want to do. He sucks in a breath, he feels sick.

He feels like maybe he never.

Ever.

Should have said a word.

He could have stayed happy like that forever, he thinks. ]

No. Reimi... I don't.

[ Another deep breath. He wants to get this right. How many times is he going to get this wrong? How badly is he going to damage what he has now for the sake of going forward? God. He felt so stupid. ]

I don't do anything just for other people. Sure. I'd do anything for you. And you're the most important person to me of anyone I've known.

But [ just -- do it, you fool, he looks away, embarrassed at himself ] I wouldn't do things with you if I didn't want to anyway.

[ How can he get this right? Just. How? Maybe he should just -- ]

But you're Reimi, the girl who I care for here, too. Not just the girl who saved my life when I was small. Did you see that post? It was anonymous. That was me.

[ Hah. Hah. Yeah, just come clean. He was so free and easy while anonymous. ]

That...was you? The one about —

[How do you make them see you as the person you are now?

Like puzzle pieces cascading into place, it all starts to make sense. If that was Rohan, hiding who he was and looking for advice, then the thing that was bothering him — the person whose attention he was trying to hold, that was her. And that means, all the things she said in return, the things she confessed on her own that were always, always about him...

Did he know?

Did he know all along, that it was her?

Gradually, she goes white as a sheet, and without even realizing it, she starts to fade from view — just a fraction, just enough to be the slightest bit translucent, like her desire to hide is manifesting outright in physically disappearing for real.]

I'm sort of famous, where I come from.

[It's an echo of what she'd said before, anonymously. Someone who was famous, whose fame kept them from being seen as they really were.]

The only thing anybody remembers about me is that I died.

Yeah.

[ It almost feels like a shameful confession. And the thought lingers longer than he'd care to admit that he could make her forget this conversation ever happened if he so wanted. He knows it's a bad thought, though. He knows that he can't just go wiping out memories of someone when he's afraid he's screwed up hard.

Even he knows better than to think that's actually okay in this situation. It's not like it's just about anything else. And it's Reimi. He didn't want to do that to her. She might never forgive him if she found out he messed around again.

And he remembers some of her words - now that he knows it is her, from that post. Maybe it was because that person, who he now knows was her - actually understood what he was going through. The only one, as far as he was concerned.

What if that person wouldn't like me at all, if not for that connection?

He remembers that part, especially. It sticks out. And it hurts. And he remembers the things he said to her. When they were anonymous. He wished, wished he didn't feel like he needed to hide to express himself like that. ]

Reimi.

[ The ways he says her name, it's almost stern. He reaches up, towards her cheeks, wondering if he should, and hesitates. ]

I don't like a lot of people, Reimi. But I like you. A lot. You're the most important person in my life and --

[ Ugh. He looks away. ]

Did I screw this up? Just tell me if I did.

Rohan...

[He reaches for her, and for a second it feels like her heart stops in her chest. He looks — he looks so sad, and so hurt, and like he doesn't know what to do, and every part of her wants to move into his proximity like a moon drawn into a planet's orbit, circling him and his gravity.

But.

But she knows how this goes, if she does. Where this conversation leads. What happens at the end of it. How things are fine for a while, until all of a sudden they're not anymore.

How do you make them see you as the person you are now?

She knows one way, and it isn't like this.]

What's my favorite color?

[She draws in a shaky breath, making herself square her gaze at his face, forcing herself not to look away.]

Don't use Heaven's Door. What's my favorite color? My favorite band? What do I like in a guy? What was the name of my best friend at school in Morioh? What's the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me in front of a teacher? What was my best subject in school? My worst?

[She reaches up, unable to help her self, and brushes away a wave of tears that have started to well up in her eyes.]

You never ask. That's why I'm never anything but a girl who died on August 13, 1983. I'm just Reimi, your Reimi.

[She rubs her eyes again, and her eyes are redder than before.]

I'm yours, you know? It's true. Because the only time I even feel like I know who I am is who I am in relation to you.

[ She's right. And he's defeated because he doesn't know. He doesn't know a damn thing about her, and he remembers nothing about her before meeting her in the alley. He doesn't know much about her know. He just... liked having her around. He just wanted to be in her space. And there you have it.

Proof that he has no idea what he's supposed to do when he's with others. Proof that Heaven's Door was always a shortcut. It wasn't that he thought it was wrong - the way he managed his life. But it wouldn't work. And it suddenly curious if he should even be allowed to say that he cared about her if he didn't know her well at all.

Was it fair to her? ]

Yeah. You're right.

[ Because she is. ]

That's not fair to you, huh?

[ What does that even mean for him, though? He doesn't know. And, immediately he retreats inside himself. His hands drop to his side, sliding them into his pockets. He glances away. It's easier. ]

So. I don't know what to do from here. I didn't know what to do anyway, obviously. [ As she well knew about that post he made, that much was clear. ]

But, there's a few things, I think. I guess. [ He doesn't say: that characters would do in stories - in something he'd written, when they came to a crossroads. ]

But I wouldn't mind knowing any of those things. If you want me to. I want to be friends. Above anything.

[ Because more than anything. He doesn't know what he'd do without her and he'd do what he had to do. And she wasn't wrong. He needed to do this right. He didn't know much - well anything about her. Not right now. ]

Edited (wooooo wanted to add something hahahaha) 2019-11-21 04:41 (UTC)

I don't think it's fair to either of us. It's not just about me, Rohan. I...I can't...

[She fidgets, shifting from foot to foot. If it had been difficult to break out of her usual conciliatory role and call him out on the glaring elephant in the room between them, this next part is exponentially so. It's one thing just to state facts, but this...

It's going to hurt him, she thinks, and she's so utterly terrified of that.

(Why? Why does it feel so unthinkable to hurt him? People hurt each other. She'd been mad at her parents before. She'd fought with her best friend before. She'd even been frustrated at him when he was a child before, because of course she had. So why is she afraid of it now? Does it still always come back to protecting him, even now? Protecting him even from herself...?)

That notion gives her courage, unexpected a source of support though it is. They'll never be the friends that Rohan wants them to be if she's too afraid of hurting him to own up to her half. The mark of friendship isn't never hurting each other. It's being able to move past it after, and still stay as close as ever despite it.]

Tell me, honestly. Don't worry about hurting my feelings, just be honest. Do you feel guilty that you lived and I didn't? The way you act toward me — is it because you feel like you have to make it up to me?

[ The question digs deeper than he'd care to admit, and he tries to seem cool. He tries to seem like that didn't hurt, just a little. And he wished he could deny it. God how he wished he could. But he couldn't. It would be a bad start to immediately jump to lying, wouldn't it? Even he knew better than to do that.

He's quiet because he doesn't want her to be able to hear it in his voice. He's trying to find a way to answer that is honest. Totally and completely. How can he says this in the most clear way without sounding like he was thrown by what she asked. ]

I owe you my life, yes.

[ Okay, let's start there. There's a part that wants to start denying everything right then. He's worried that anything he says will be wrong. No. That's not how this works. Can he say the wrong thing? She said not to worry about hurting her feelings. But, he still is. He doesn't want to hurt her, but he might. ]

Sometimes, Reimi. [ It's the most honest way to put it. ] Sometimes, I feel guilty that I lived, but it's even worse that I can't remember anything.

[ That'st he part that makes it so much worse to him. There's a part of him that's gone. A part he can't get back. And he can't make it come back anymore, either. ]

It's part of why I want to keep you safe, and I guess I just act the way I do because of that. [ But - he wants to make sure he understands. ] But Reimi - I don't do things I don't want to do.

[ A deep breath, almost a huff when he releases it. ]

So, if I didn't want to do anything with you, I wouldn't, even with feeling bad.

[ He wants to make sure it's clear that he wants to be there. He wants her company. He wants to be around her. Those are all things he doesn't anticipate changing. ]

You don't owe me anything. That's the kind of thing I mean. The kind of thing that gets in the way. It's like...

[She falters a minute, seeming to fumble for an idea that's right on the tip of her tongue, but that she can't quite seem to grasp until she really focuses in on it, searching desperately for words.]

It's like putting me on a pedestal. And what you're saying — I get what you're saying. I don't think you're just spending time with me out of guilt, I don't think that at all. But...

[She fumbles again.]

But it's not equal, either. Because it's so narrow up on that pedestal that there's no room for me to be anything but Reimi your guardian angel. And it's too high up for you to see the real me. D-Do you see what I mean?

[ He lets himself process the information, and considers it. It's what she wants, right? He has to try. He has to try to just look at her, across from him, as Reimi the girl who is from the same home town. Not Reimi the girl who saved his life. Reimi the reason he feels conflicted.

It takes him awhile. He's quiet while he thinks. Then, he realizes. He reaches forward, places a hand on top of her head as if to ground him that the girl before him was here, right down here with him. Not up on a pedestal. He looks her in the eyes for only a couple of seconds. Then, his eyes shift away from her and he withdraws his hand. If he were cooler, then he'd probably say something better right now but he is not at all. ]

I understand. [ Of course, but he also knows it isn't going to be that easy. And he'll mess up, though he won't admit to that part. ] No pedestals. Just Reimi-chan. The girl form home. And you -

Don't need to worry about protecting me from anything. [ Stern. ] I'm twenty-one now.

[ That part. It was easy. ]

Just. Let me know if I mess up, alright? You'll be the first person I trust when they tell me I've messed up.

[It's hard to just stand still while he scrutinizes her, clearly off in his own head turning something over and over again. But she has to be patient, she knows. She has to let him work through this, and so she stays as still as she can, trying not to tremble while she waits for him to reach whatever conclusions he's going to draw.

But then his hand comes to rest on the top of her head, and his eyes find hers, and she feels like she's just let go of a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding.]

I never forget that you're twenty-one now.

[She wets her lips, ducking her head just briefly as a flush rushes across her nose and cheeks, and she mumbles: ]

You're too good-looking to forget something like that.

[MOVING QUICKLY ON.]

You'll really try? You won't just get frustrated with me like you do with most people?

[ There's some relief when she answers him. The shift in his posture is subtle, but he's more relaxed. He doesn't feel like he has to do something with his hands in order to clam himself. It feels like at least some of the weight is lifted. Because he never has had conversations like this, he was pretty sure the lack of experience would lead to failure.

But, he committed to it and so he would have to do it. Being honest was... less painful than he anticipated. Even though it had hurt a bit.

And then, there's that moment of whiplash where she comments on his appearance and he doesn't speak because he's afraid he'll sputter because he wasn't expecting it. There's only an eyebrow that raises for a moment when she says it, and he ops to.

Not address that now, even if he appreciated it. ]

I'll try. And I won't get immediately frustrated.

[ He knows he'll have to remind himself of that, because it's an easy habit for him. ]

I don't like making mistakes, so you know I mean it.

Edited (formatting) 2019-11-23 05:26 (UTC)

I know. I know you don't, and I believe you.

[But she still fidgets a little more, keeping her hands folded in front of her as she resists the urge to wring them or pick at the hem of her top, just for the sake of having something to do with them.]

...Was I right, though, with what I said to you when we were talking anonymously?

[She shifts her weight again, one foot to the other.]

If it weren't for all that between us — if I were really just me, and you just you. What interest does a famous mangaka have in an average, unremarkable schoolgirl?

[ That question is hard, because he doesn't know. Is it so bad that they were drawn together because of what their history was. Even if they were going to work on ... well, not looking at each other as exclusively those people, is it bad to have that history? Since they're being honest, he shakes his head. ]

I don't know, Reimi. I don't know how we would have met, but I don't know if that's entirely on you. [ It's not like he puts a lot of effort into meeting people for more than trying to get their information quickly for manga. ]

I don't think you're unremarkable, though. I can't speak for how it was, but here, I know how well loved you are. And I know you're working hard and doing a lot. There's nothing unremarkable about hard work and achievements you've had here.

IC Inbox | prismatica

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